Waking up

When my doctor first put me on nortriptyline, he warned me that I may feel a jolt when I wake up, and that was normal. Well, unless he meant I would lose the ability to fall back asleep easily, I never experienced that. I just noticed today (after being on neurontin for awhile) that I just don't notice waking up. I know it's a silly thing to be excited about, but pre-medication, I was used to waking up feeling like someone hit me repeatedly with a bat, like I could barely breathe, and like I was coming down with something fierce. Now I just... wake up. Yes, it's often early, and I can't always drift back like I used to (not a problem on bad days, though), but it's still better than feeling like I slept through a sneak attack. I might secretly be a morning person. Meh, that's pretty doubtful. I think I'm one of these people, but I don't know how much the Fibro influences these things.

On another health related note, I was recently brought to tears by reading this. A member of a forum I visit gave me the link for that website, and while the writer has Lupus, I felt she was describing my thought process every.day. When I first read a theory like this, I heard it describe your energy as a jar of pennies. So, rather than spoons, in my head I spend energy coins. Changing my mindset has been a hurdle for me (like with the above author). My approach used to be (and this is something that may work for certain disorders or healthy people) to push myself so I could stretch and grow. I have always wanted to be able to do it all and see it all and I abhorred any excuse that followed "I can't, because..." I never wanted to miss school when I was sick, as a child. I have trouble with people doing things for me because they think I need them to, or because I actually do.

A few weeks ago, I was struggling with the need to constantly redefine myself as sick. Having to say that I'm not well enough to do something was a new challenge each time. I hope it gets to the point where those closest to me (especially my family) understand my limitations (I didn't want to type that. I don't want to be limited). There will always be people, though, strangers and coworkers, who don't understand or don't know, and I will - again, I'm struggling through writing this. I was going to write that I will have to explain I am sick or can't do something. I don't want to have to explain. Well, at the very least, I need to solidly understand what I am and am not able to do and communicate that with others. I don't need to tell them I can't do something, only that I am not up for it/not interested/would rather do something else or do it a different way. Right? I am terrified of being the sort of person who lets an illness impose more boundaries than absolutely necessary. I want to give Fibromyalgia nothing. I want to be a brave survivor who pushes through life in the face of adversity. But that's not how it works, is it? I need to remember to save my coins and spend them wisely. Not bad financial advice, either.