5 Weeks

Your baby's heart will begin to beat this week! It's amazing how much is happening so quickly. A transvaginal ultrasound will show about 90% of the yolk sacs. It is now possible to differentiate between the head and the tail of your baby. By the end of the week that folic acid will be paying off as the neural folds begin to fuse. Average length is 1.5 - 2.5 mm.

How far along? 5 weeks, 1 day

Total weight gain/loss: 0, I'm all bloat

Maternity clothes? Nope

Stretch marks? Not yet!

Sleep? I could always use more... I realized last night that a body pillow is a beautiful invention.

Movement? Too early

Food cravings/aversions: I'm loving oranges, salads, and hard boiled eggs (thanks Ian!). My Viactiv calcium supplements make me want to hurl when I even look at them, and spicy food, while delicious, hurts

Baby's sex: Ian said he thinks we're having a boy, so now that's in my head...

What I miss: A good night's sleep, not needing to eat every 5 seconds, and not looking so puffy

What I'm looking forward to: I have an ultrasound tomorrow to make sure it's not an ectopic pregnancy. I just wish I was far enough along to see the heartbeat- I'm really looking forward to that!

Best moment this week: I'm going to count the positive test a week ago. Also, Ian and I took pictures of us with the test that are hilarious.

Weekly wisdom: Sleep is good. Food and water are good. Being pregnant feels like having the flu.

So...

I'm pregnant! We are shocked and thrilled. This was only our second month trying and I don't think either of us expected it to happen so soon. My estimated due date is 6/14/11, and our baby will be considered full term if it is born anytime between our two birthdays (5/24 and 6/25). Cannot believe it.

So far, no serious symptoms. I first suspected I was pregnant when I kept having cramps, but my period never came. I waited until I was officially late to test, and the second line popped up right away! This was a 5:30 in the morning, because I woke up early, knowing I was going to test. I didn't want to wake Ian up, so I set the test on top of his phone (which he uses as an alarm- and the cap was on the test!). I could NOT sleep, and pretty soon before his alarm was supposed to go off, Ian started to wake up. I asked if he needed to keep sleeping. He said, "Why, what's up?" I hesitated, then said, "I'm pregnant!" That woke him up. We couldn't stop laughing. That night we went out to dinner and bought some baby books.

I've had a craving or two, some food aversions, and a little bit of nausea. I was having some kind of intense cramping with pain on one side of my abdomen, so I called my doctor and they did a blood draw. My HCG level was 2800, which is quite high this early in pregnancy! Hopefully I'm only cooking one... My pain is pretty much gone, so I suspect it was a cyst (pretty common in early pregnancy), but my doctor's office still wants to me schedule an ultrasound next week to rule out ectopic. I'm not complaining! I would love to see that little sac in there, maybe see a heartbeat. Our first official visit is Friday, 10/15. I am still waiting for all of this to seem real.

I'm pretty sure no one actually reads this, but if you do know me IRL and you happen to see this, we'd really like to wait to announce it to everyone. Mum's the word! (I am so funny)

Revisiting...

Well, it sure has been awhile. I knew I wouldn't be good at this blogging thing.

I am working through my Fibro, still and always (I imagine). I'm working on stretching every morning and hope to one day up that to a few hours of yoga a week. I've been working on a Cleansing Flow program. I definitely feel better after my weekly sessions, but (to be honest) I've been skipping a lot of my daily work.

Love my new job. At the end of the month, I'll be increasing my hours to almost full time, which is definitely intimidating. I'm excited to see if I can do it, though, and if I decide I can't (which will be a really fun decision to make!), there are a lot of part time positions with this company doing the same thing - and I would get to keep my benefits.

We have a new addition to our family- no baby (yet!), but a boxer pitbull mix rescue puppy named Ruby :) Pictures to come... she takes a lot on energy, but is a couch potato at heart. She's a good dog and we're working towards Canine Good Citizenship for her. During one session she was definitely the bad dog at obedience class, but overall I think she's doing well. She's a little behind for her age (7 months), but that most likely has to do with her unknown background. She was picked up by animal control before she was rescued. She came to us shy and timid, but is finding her voice... at times, literally. Barking is still not her thing, so sometimes she makes these little huffing sounds before a full fledged bark. She's great.

Along those lines, we are hoping to fill our house up even more, and have officially begun trying to conceive. I'm excited and I know Ian is too, but we're also both scared. I'm worried about the Fibro and our finances most of all. Obviously I'm concerned about whether or not we'll be good parents, being pregnant and giving birth, the fact that our lives will never be the same, but mostly I know we can do it. My health is a huge factor because I am still figuring out how to deal with this and what my limitations are. On a bad day, I can't imagine having a child around. I don't know how I would possibly do it. But, I'll get maternity leave, then Ian will get paternity leave, and he'll always be there to help. Hopefully I'll start to see the bad days get fewer and farther between, but today is the sort of day I can't imagine needing to take care of a baby, so it's at the front of my mind. Part of the reason things have been harder lately is that I'm trying to wean myself off the neurontin (it's not safe during pregnancy). When I first started this blog, it would have been inconceivable to skip a day of meds and still function, so at least I've come that far.

Financially, I think we're doing well. Still adjusting to Ian's new job and playing a little bit of catch up, but I think we're back on track for our budget. My worry stems mostly from the fact that I can't yet budget for pregnancy and a baby properly (well, there are tools to help guess, but it's still uncertain) and it seems like you can never be too prepared!

Well, now we've played catch up, phantom blog readers! More to come, possibly.

Waking up

When my doctor first put me on nortriptyline, he warned me that I may feel a jolt when I wake up, and that was normal. Well, unless he meant I would lose the ability to fall back asleep easily, I never experienced that. I just noticed today (after being on neurontin for awhile) that I just don't notice waking up. I know it's a silly thing to be excited about, but pre-medication, I was used to waking up feeling like someone hit me repeatedly with a bat, like I could barely breathe, and like I was coming down with something fierce. Now I just... wake up. Yes, it's often early, and I can't always drift back like I used to (not a problem on bad days, though), but it's still better than feeling like I slept through a sneak attack. I might secretly be a morning person. Meh, that's pretty doubtful. I think I'm one of these people, but I don't know how much the Fibro influences these things.

On another health related note, I was recently brought to tears by reading this. A member of a forum I visit gave me the link for that website, and while the writer has Lupus, I felt she was describing my thought process every.day. When I first read a theory like this, I heard it describe your energy as a jar of pennies. So, rather than spoons, in my head I spend energy coins. Changing my mindset has been a hurdle for me (like with the above author). My approach used to be (and this is something that may work for certain disorders or healthy people) to push myself so I could stretch and grow. I have always wanted to be able to do it all and see it all and I abhorred any excuse that followed "I can't, because..." I never wanted to miss school when I was sick, as a child. I have trouble with people doing things for me because they think I need them to, or because I actually do.

A few weeks ago, I was struggling with the need to constantly redefine myself as sick. Having to say that I'm not well enough to do something was a new challenge each time. I hope it gets to the point where those closest to me (especially my family) understand my limitations (I didn't want to type that. I don't want to be limited). There will always be people, though, strangers and coworkers, who don't understand or don't know, and I will - again, I'm struggling through writing this. I was going to write that I will have to explain I am sick or can't do something. I don't want to have to explain. Well, at the very least, I need to solidly understand what I am and am not able to do and communicate that with others. I don't need to tell them I can't do something, only that I am not up for it/not interested/would rather do something else or do it a different way. Right? I am terrified of being the sort of person who lets an illness impose more boundaries than absolutely necessary. I want to give Fibromyalgia nothing. I want to be a brave survivor who pushes through life in the face of adversity. But that's not how it works, is it? I need to remember to save my coins and spend them wisely. Not bad financial advice, either.

Sometimes Fibromyalgia makes me a bitch

This past weekend had it's ups and downs. I went on a hike that was quite a challenge for me, even though it was the easier/shorter version than what the majority of the group I was with did. [pictures pending] Those of us who didn't do the whole thing went with for the first 4 or so kilometers, which included a some moderate (for an experienced hiker) climbing. Our group then turned around and went back to the start of the trail- so altogether I probably walked about 9 kilometers. I was so proud! I never ever could have done it without the stretches I've been doing every morning or the new medication I'm on. I switched to neurontin (low dose before bed) and it's been much better. With the previous medicine, I was having a lot of trouble staying alseep- often waking up after about three hours- and when I increased the dosage I started to be groggy and have trouble concentrating throughout the day. Well, yes, I had those problems anyway, but the medicine definitely made it worse. I've heard (from my pharmacist mother) that neurontin is actually related to the active ingredient in Lyrica... just an FYI for anyone out on the internets looking for others' experience with different Fibro meds.

So, the hike was the high point of the weekend, even though I am still paying for it with horrible leg pain. Oh well. Looking back over the distance I traveled and the rock faces I went up and down was soooo worth it! Our hotel had a pool and I found swimming later that same day (as a sort of cool down) and the next morning amazingly pleasant. I'm not qualified to predict the future, but my guess is that my pain would have been much worse without those swims. I've at least been somewhat functional in the days since.

The low of my weekend was calling and snapping at my husband. Yes, I was in pain. Yes, I'd just had to sit through a 2+ hour car ride with my family and was ready to bite anyone's head off. I still feel horrible. I emailed him afterwards and apologized... hopefully he'll understand. He's been great through the waiting to get diagnosed and the continual work of trying to manage. He was incredibly patient for the many, many times I couldn't get out of bed. I feel bad for how much this does also affect him, but I guess that's why they throw "in sickness and in health" into vows. No getting out of this one, honey! I talked to him also about how, when I come back home, the routine I need to have can't just be for me. It will be a big change for, well, both of us really, to have set meal times and bed times. Ugh, it's almost like we're grown ups or something. He is still just a few months out of a being a college student, though, and his main routine is to stay up until the sun is about to rise playing some sort of game on his computer that makes gun fire echo through the house. Not that I don't enjoy the occasional pizza at 1 in the morning, but I know that maintaining real-life routines will make me feel better. So I guess I'll suck it up.

Despite abusing my poor, supportive husband, I really am happy with how things went this weekend. Oh, and I was told after the fact that one of the fellows doing the abbreviated hike also has Fibromyalgia. I wasn't really going along the walk announcing the fact (which led to a rather rude and confrontational comment from another hiker about why couldn't I do the whole thing... because you can't mind your damn business!), but he mentioned to someone he thought he heard that might have been the case, and to let me know he's been through it. He is in remission right now (if that's used to apply to Fibro...), so I'm excited to talk to him and get his looking-back perspective. This is my first opportunity to talk to someone else with it- if there is anyone out there in internet land reading this who is looking for a connection/support, please don't hesitate to comment! I won't bite unless you ask.

Diagnosed!

One week ago a rheumatologist officially diagnosed me with Fibromyalgia... I have to admit, I came out of that appointment smiling. Just knowing what is wrong with me and having a plan to get better is a huge weight off (not that I'm sleeping any better, but that's another story).

I was skeptical when my primary care doctor first brought up this diagnosis, for a few reasons. One: she explained it as a diagnosis of exclusion, which sounded to me more like Sherlock Holmes and less like definite science. Two: the description of Fibromyalgia on the Mayo Clinic web site gives a possible cause of the condition as a low threshold for pain. That is NOT a problem I have; at my CT scan with contrast they had to stick me something ridiculous like 5x for an IV, and I think I took it like a champ. So. Three: The facts that clinical depression can cause body pain, that Fibromyalgia is treated with anti-depressants, and that depression is often a co-existing condition made me raise an eyebrow (or two. I can't actually raise one at a time). Talking with a rheumatologist made me a lot more comfortable with the diagnosis, though. He explained it as a cyclical sleep and pain disorder- an inability to get stage 4 sleep that causes connective tissue pain. It was wonderful to talk with him and to validate the pain and tiredness I've been having for so long. I also felt better about taking time off of work- some people with Fibromyalgia (10% according to a source I can no longer remember...) end up on full time disability, so I feel less like a wimp for needing a little time away. This diagnosis even explains why I basically feel like I never got over my kidney infection(s) last year. The rheumatologist said that Fibromyalgia can be brought on/worsened by serious infections. Personally, I wonder if I haven't had it for awhile and it's just gotten worse since then, but it doesn't really matter. What's important is being given the opportunity to move on and get better!

I'm starting this blog to try and help encourage me to start a new, healthy routine and to have a record of what works and what doesn't so I can best manage this going forward. Sleep, right now, is my biggest hurdle.

Along those lines, for the past week, I have been working on the treatment plan my doctor gave me (along with his recommendation to read The Arthritis Helpbook- so far a lot of it seems like common sense. I'm hoping the exercises will be useful :/). One week into it- not doing so great. I am having amazing troubles falling asleep (which the nortriptyline will not help with, from my understanding- I was told it is to help achieve stage 4 sleep). All the advice I can find seems like things I already do; relaxation exercises are apparently what I already do to try and relax. This is partially because they used to make us do them at night at summer camp and partially because some relaxation exercises are pretty instinctual. Sigh. I did get over a major hold up (which resulted in one completely sleepless night) when I realized the Sunkist orange soda I bought as a non-caffeinated beverage has caffeine (attempting another eyebrow raise...). Who on god's green earth came up with the idea to caffeinate orange soda?? It was the drink of my childhood before I was allowed caffeine- Sprite, 7 up, and orange soda were always safe. Well, it turns out NOT drinking one of those at 11:30 at night really helps me sleep!

Last night I managed to doze off around 2 and woke right up at 5. At least it felt like productive sleep- UNLIKE the night before when I had a terrifyingly vivid dream that my medication caused me trouble breathing and that I couldn't wake up. I am still not convinced this was a dream, but Ian swears I was breathing fine until I woke up. Yeah, after that I grabbed a couple Sunkists out of the fridge and watched Netflix in bed all night (NOTE: I know it is not recommended to do anything other than sleep [and "be intimate" according to the aforementioned book ;)] and I must confess I am in bed now... I tried only being on my computer downstairs, and then I started falling asleep down there, so I don't think it's a problem for me).

I guess that's it for a first attempt at writing these... Klaus is obstructing me by trying to eat my sweatshirt's zipper (OTHER NOTE: For anyone who doesn't know me and has just magically stumbled across this- Klaus is one of my cats, Ian is my husband. Just to be clear).